It’s almost that time of year again – Chanukah. Lighting the menorah, the gift giving, jelly donuts and chocolate gelt. There’s a lot to look forward to. Even more, I always look forward to celebrating holidays with the whole family. With a son on the west coast and another on the east coast, it rarely happens.
However, this year it’s gonna happen. My eldest son is flying out with his family for Chanukah, and we’re planning on spending Shabbat with the whole family together. Well, not really the whole family, because Jacob won’t be here. And I’m wondering how I’m going to cope with celebrating Chanukah and dealing with the loss of my son at the same time.
I can’t believe it’s almost five years since Jacob passed away. I seem to miss him more and more as time passes. With everyone spending Chanukah together without him, I’m worried about how I’ll handle it.
Dealing with Family, Love, and Loss
Will I be immersed with the grandchildren and their happy noise and not even think about Jacob? Or will think about how Uncle Jacob loved buying presents for them, anxious to see the smiles on their little faces. For sure those kids would love him so much. Will I sit crying while everyone wonders ‘Why is Mom crying?’
I don’t know how I’ll deal with celebrating Chanukah, family, love, and loss all at the same time.
The Spiritual in a Physical Chanukah Candle
There are some things I know without a doubt. I know I want to include Jacob in our family gathering. I’ll be lighting his football menorah again this year. I gave that menorah to him when he was four years old. Since then, its had plenty of dings, bumps, and scratches. Once, a football and its helmet broke off. No way was I going to throw out that menorah. I super-glued the piece back on.
One of the reasons we light a candle on a yahrzeit is because the soul is attracted to something similar to itself. It gives the departed something physical to latch on to. A flame has a special spiritual quality. It’s etherial and it rises upward. So too, the soul is etherial and continually rises upward to be close to the Creator.
I truly believe that when I light Jacob’s Chanukah menorah, he’s here with us. The candle flames emanate warmth. Jacob’s personality was warm, his smile was warm. He’ll be here with us on Chanukah, and although we won’t see him, we’ll feel his presence. I just hope I’ll hold up emotionally.
To be continued after Chanukah…
More on the lights of Chanukah: Celebrating Chanukah in Heaven
Coping With the Death of a Child 
I think that your son Jacob’s Hanukkah Menorah that you light for him every Hanukkah is wonderful. You must be a wonderful parent in that the love bonding that you had with your son Jacob, is such a great love, an intense love. I have a sister who has recently lost her beautiful daughter to cancer. It is already two years, but I think of her daughter Jenny as if she has just left the world yesterday. I always tell my sister that thank G-d my sister was a very good parent in doing what ever she could to bring her children up in a good way. They went to Jewish school. They were good to their grandparents. I never saw them being rude to anyone. The perfect life no one has, but thank G-d, my sister’s children never lacked for love. And again I am using the words thank G-d, they never lacked for money. I miss Jenny so much, and thank you so much for your loving blog that you created for your son Jacob. I found out about it on Chabad.org, and I was so excited to tell my sister about it as she was having a very hard time dealing with the loss of her daughter. I know she has been looking at your blog and she sounds like she’s finally getting what she is needing right now with the help of your blog, validating her feelings and comforting her. Thank you for sharing the love that you have with your son Jacob with so many of us, and for helping so many of us to cope with our precious losses too. A very Happy Hanukkah to you and to your family and to everyone who is a part of the blog, and may everyone have a very happy, healthy new year ahead beginning January.
I’m Jenny was a wonderful girl, and your sister sounds like a wonderful parent. A truly Happy Hanukkah to everyone.