A good friend of our family, Murray Friedman, recently passed away at 92 years of age. He was in good health until the end, when G-d called his soul back to Heaven.
How do I compare Murray’s life to the life of my son Jacob? Murray had a long life, 92 years, in which he had a career, married, and had children. In contrast, Jacob’s life was short, 24 years. He had neither a career, a wife, nor children. How can I compare their lives at all? Is there any similarity between a very long life and a very short life?
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, in her book The Committed Life, draws from Benjamin Franklin’s famous quote:
‘A long life may not be good enough, but a good life is long enough.’
She makes the point that it’s not the number of years that are important, but how a person lived those years.
Humor, Offering Help, and Having Challenges in a Long Life
Murray made people happy. He had a good sense of humor and never ceased to let us know it. For many years, he and his wife would host large Passover seders in their home, inviting not only friends, but people they barely knew who had nowhere to go for Seder.
Murray could be called upon for help. When my husband had to retrieve Jacob and me from the emergency room after a febrile seizure (Jacob was a year old at the time), Murray came to our home late at night to watch over our other two children. Just listening to him talk was always interesting and fun.
Murray’s life included challenges, but he rarely talked about them. During his last years, he reminisced how he had a good life and couldn’t complain. Was he in denial, glossing over the not so good parts of his life? Maybe.
The Half Empty or Half Full Glass
It reminds me of a story about the sage Reb Zushia:
A man once came to his Rebbe for advice as to how to handle his many problems. The Rebbe told this man to go to a certain town and find a man by the name of Reb Zushia and ask him for advice. The man travelled a long time until he finally reached the town. Asking for directions to Reb Zushia’s home, he was directed to a small run-down shack. He knocked at the door and requested to speak with Reb Zushia. Reb Zushia, delighted to have a guest in his home, welcomed the man in.
The man was astounded at what he saw. Reb Zushia’s home was nearly devoid of furniture. There were cracks in the walls and windows in which the cold winter air seeped in. There was hardly enough wood for the fire and the pantry was mostly bare. Reb Zushia’s clothes were worn and tattered. Clearly, this was the home of a very poor person with many hardships.
‘So’, said Reb Zushia, ‘what can I do for you young man?’
The man replied, ‘I am suffering tremendous hardships and my Rebbe told me to come ask you for advice.’
Said Reb Zushia, ‘I don’t understand why your Rebbe sent you to me. I’ve never suffered any hardship in my entire life!’
Do we look at life as a glass half empty or half full? Murray looked at his life as a very full glass.
Humor, Offering Help, and Having Challenges in a Short Life
Love and humor filled the years of Jacob’s short life. He tried his best to help anyone in need of help. Doing favors for friends, or just listening when someone needed to talk, he was well liked by everyone. As a member of the AEPi fraternity, he hosted a Passover seder for ‘the brothers’. He felt it was important that these young men had a seder.
Jacob’s sense of humor was subtle. When hearing something funny, he never broke out into a hearty laugh, but would smile and chuckle. More importantly, he brought a smile to everyone who knew him. For anecdotes about Jacob see the post Remembering My Son Through Grief.
What’s Really Important in a Life Well Lived
As Jacob’s mom, it hurts me so much that Jacob didn’t have the opportunity to marry and raise a family. Since it wasn’t in G-d’s plan, I guess it wasn’t important.
Returning to Benjamin Franklin’s quote, it’s quality of years, not quantity that’s important. Both the long life and the short life have have meaning and purpose. But still, for family and friends left behind in this world, the number of years our lost loved ones had are never enough. May their memories be a blessing. We want them back. May it be soon.
In memory of Murray Friedman (Moshe Aharon ben Avraham Chaim)
Coping With the Death of a Child 
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