As I mentioned in the post Therapy for Traumatic Grief, finding the right grief therapist can be challenging. Sometimes it takes working with a few before the right one comes along. After I lost my child, finally found a good therapist who taught me several methods to help cope with loss. In the words of my therapist ‘It gets worse before it gets better’, so these methods may not work for every bereaved parent. A parent must be emotionally ready and willing to try a new method of coping with grief. For me, it’s been three and a half years since I lost my child, and now, I’m ready to try something new even though it may hurt. So, here are 4 things I learned from my grief therapist that I want to share with you.
Number 1 – the 51% Rule for Self Esteem
My success in dealing with grief first depends on how I look at myself. Am I a likable and intelligent person, someone with good qualities and who has a lot to offer? Or do I see myself as the opposite? What is my percentage of self esteem? Is it 100%, 0%, or something in the middle?
The 51% rule says that my self esteem must be at least 51%, hopefully higher. More than half of me needs to know that I’m likable, intelligent, and have a lot to offer family and friends. If I don’t have at least this 51%, I look to other people for approval and validation. I’m thus looking to others as the source of my self esteem. But what if I don’t get it from them? Then depression sets in, sapping away what little energy I have.
Why is Self Esteem So Important for Coping with Grief?
I’ve painfully learned that I can’t expect others to boost my self esteem. It needs to come from within, and coping with grief demands that I tap into it. High self esteem is important because it keeps depression at bay and gives me the ability to tackle life’s challenges. I try to think positively and keep telling myself that I’m wonderful. Hopefully, the idea will eventually sink in.
Number 2 – Mourning My Child Each Day
Although this method is simple, emotionally it’s very hard. Before I spoke with the therapist, I often thought about my son, but not intensely each day. I pushed away the strong emotions of loss because I just didn’t want to feel the pain. But after he explained to me how important it is to do this every day, I felt I ready to face my emotions and that I had to do it for my own wellbeing. Mourning my child each day is like going through the week of shiva all over again. The goal is to do this until I can handle grief better.
For at least ten minutes each day, I turn off my phone, go to a quiet room, sit in a comfortable chair, and think about my son. I think about what it’s like to not have him here and how much he means to me. And I cry. I also write my feelings in a small notebook. Journaling these thoughts of grief helps me remember them. Mourning my child each day, I learn more about myself and why I miss him so much. Over time, these emotions become less intense. I don’t want to forget my son. I just want to cope with his loss in a healthy way.
Number 3 – Filling the Void of Loss
Since losing my child, I have two voids in my life – an emotional void and a physical void. The emotional void is the feeling that part of me is gone and buried with him. It’s the feeling that something’s missing (and it is) and that nothing can ever fill the empty space. My physical void is my son’s empty room. There’s no longer furniture there and there’s nothing on the walls. Just a physical empty space mirroring the emotional emptiness within me.
I learned that these two voids are interrelated, and by filling one, I fill the other. The therapist suggested I first work on the physical, because that’s the easiest. Filling the other void will eventually fall into place. For his room, I’ll hang artwork on the walls, something pleasant to look at. I’ll stick post-it notes on his door, each little piece of paper reminding me of all his goodness. Maybe, I’ll even put a chair in there. The therapist also told me to get out more because I stay home too much. Whenever an opportunity presents itself to go out, I put up barriers finding an excuse to stay home. This is something I really have to work on.
Number 4 – EMDR Therapy for Traumatic Loss
The loss of my child was sudden and traumatic. Of all my memories from that day there are particular ones that stand out, and when I think about them, I feel panicked and angry. My therapist suggested EMDR therapy for traumatic loss to lessen the effects of these intense and unpleasant memories. EMDR is well known for treating PTSD, but also helps with other types of trauma as well, including grief trauma.
What is EMDR?
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. The method was discovered, or stumbled upon, in the late 1980’s by psychologist Francine Shapiro. Shapiro noticed that emotional pain from her own upsetting memories lessened with certain eye movements, and later found that others had the same experience. While each therapist’s approach to EMDR is unique, it generally involves having the person describe a traumatic event while their eyes track the therapist’s hand movements.
How Does EMDR Work?
The brain has a certain way of storing memories. For example, when I think about what I ate for breakfast yesterday, I recall the event and think about it calmly. Even when I have a happy memory, the memory is just that, a memory that I’m happy about. These normal memories remain in my past. However, the brain stores traumatic memories differently. I relate to a traumatic memory as if the event is happening now.
That’s why I go into a panic when I think about the day I lost my child. EMDR is a way to desensitize me to the traumatic experience. Not to forget about it or become emotionally numb, but to view the event as something that happened in the past.
Despite the high success rate of EMDR therapy, health professionals really don’t know why or how it works. From the Cleveland Clinic:
‘EMDR was an accidental discovery. Experts still can’t fully explain why it works, despite the evidence that it works.’
That being said, EMDR is a method I hope to try.
Wrapping it All Up
As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these methods may not work for everyone, but I feel it’s certainly worth learning about and giving it a try when ready. I don’t want to forget about my son. I don’t want to go through life feeling miserable either. As bereaved parents, we will never, ever, forget about our child. And we’re not supposed to. What we are supposed to do is find healthy and positive ways to honor the memory. May we all find blessing and success.
Coping With the Death of a Child 
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