Another Purim Without My Son

Tomorrow is Jacob’s yahrzeit and I’m preparing for another Purim without my son. Why did he leave this world close to the happiest day on the Jewish calendar? It’s four years since he suddenly passed away at age 24 of heart failure. As always, I have immense trouble dealing with his passing, and more so on Purim. I ask myself, ‘How did I get here? How did I get to such a place where I’m mourning for my son? Why am I suffering the loss of a child?’

People in my grief support group ask the same questions. Why, why, why? Why did my child die young? Why did he die when he did?, etc, etc. My only answer is that if I knew why G-d did these things, I’d be Him. And if He explained it to me, I probably wouldn’t understand. 

Does the Serenity Prayer Work for Child Loss?

My grief therapist often quotes the Serenity Prayer:

‘G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.’

Fortunately, my grief therapist never experienced child loss. 

I think the Serenity Prayer is sound advice – for other people. It just doesn’t work when I think about the loss of my son. The prayer talks about ‘wisdom to know the difference’. The online dictionary defines wisdom as ‘the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment.’ Problem is, wisdom is intellectual, not emotional. Intellectually, I know that my son is not here and I can’t change that. But I can’t help feeling angry and frustrated that things aren’t the way I want them to be.

The folks in my grief support group feel the same. Mention the Serenity Prayer to them and you’ll get a blank stare, as if to say, ‘Huh, what are you talking about?’ For some, it’s been over five years since their child passed away, and for them, it’s like it happened yesterday.

Prolonged Grief Doesn’t Go Away

In my post, Coping with Prolonged Grief for Bereaved Parents, I discussed what prolonged grief is and methods of coping. These methods are intellectual coping strategies, and of course, I don’t take my own advice. My emotional side takes over. What makes prolonged grief harder for bereaved parents is that psychologists and therapists view prolonged grief as an affliction that needs a cure. It’s as if they’re saying ‘It’s been over a year and you’re still grieving? Something’s wrong with you.’ What health professionals don’t understand is that prolonged grief is a part of the life of a bereaved parent. It never goes away. 

What works for me to cope with the loss of my child is to talk with people who have experienced the same. Other bereaved parents understand my feelings. I don’t have to explain why I feel the way I do. And I know that no one will say anything insensitive or stupid. Everyone there has heard it all and they know that, sometimes, not saying anything says volumes.

G-d is Hiding

When experiencing the loss of a child, it’s as if G-d is hiding. I don’t see any good reason why my son can’t be here to celebrate Purim with me. Nothing makes any sense.

In the story of Purim, G-d is hidden too. In fact, G-d’s name isn’t mentioned at all in the Megillah. But He’s there. He’s there orchestrating every event and every detail. And it’s the same now too. If I look really hard, just maybe I can see G-d’s loving hand in everything that I’m going through.

So much for my rambling. Next year will be the same. I just wish things were different. I know things will be different when the Resurrection comes. G-d will wipe the tears away from every face. I’ll see Jacob again, hug him, kiss him, and tell him how much I missed him.