My Son, My Friend – Thoughts on a Yahrzeit

My son’s yahrzeit is coming up again. Yes, again. It comes around every year. It’s hard to believe that it will be four years since he passed away. Our family lost a wonderful son, brother, and uncle. In honor of his yahrzeit, I want to share some thoughts about him.

When I lost my adult child, I not only lost all my hopes and dreams for him, I also lost a friend. Jacob once said to me ‘You know Ma, my friends don’t talk with their moms like I talk with you.’ We didn’t always see eye to eye on some things, but we were always able to talk about our differing views. He knew how to listen. He knew how to give. My son was also my friend. 

Knowing How to Listen

Knowing how to listen is an elusive trait for many.

How many of us think only of what we want to say while someone is speaking. We hear the other person, but we don’t really hear because we’re so wrapped up in our own thoughts. Sometimes we just can’t put down our cell phone while speaking with another person. We’re talking with another, and supposed to be listening, but we make eye contact with the phone. We may walk around or fidget while someone is speaking. It’s like wearing a sign that says ‘I’d rather be somewhere else than talking to you.’

Part of Jacob’s beautiful character was that he knew how to listen. He would make eye contact, listen, and not interrupt the person speaking. He would then offer his opinion. He was totally focused on the person. His insight and sensitivity were amazing. The website Mind Tools offers 5 tips for active listening: 

• Pay attention
• Show that you’re listening
• Provide feedback
• Defer judgment
• Respond appropriately

Jacob followed all 5. Being a good listener is also part of being modest, which he was.

Giving With Thought and Joy

Jacob liked to give. Not only did he give his time to listen to others, but he enjoyed making others happy with birthday gifts and ‘just because’ gifts. Giving presents to his little nieces and nephew were his favorite acts of giving. The gifts Uncle Jacob gave were always the best. He gave with thought and joy.

I cherish the plush minions he gave me for my birthday ( I love minions ). When he travelled, he bought me souvenirs from places he’d been. I still have the coffee mug he bought me from the M&M’s store in Times Square ( I love peanut M&M’s ), and the Space Needle paperweight from Seattle. ( I’ve always wanted to go to Seattle. ) His gifts were thoughtful and right on the mark. And of course, there are the numerous birthday and Mother’s Day cards he gave me when he was small. I still have them. 

Jacob gave his time to friends. Whether it was feeding someone’s dog or just listening, he was there for those who needed him. 

Jacob didn’t give because he felt he had to. He gave because he wanted to.

A Yahrzeit in Adar

Jacob passed away in the month of Adar. This Jewish year is a leap year in which there are two Adars. Although I never stop thinking about him, when Adar comes I think about him even more. From my perspective, my grief is increased twofold. 

However, his perspective is much different. On the day of passing, the yahrzeit, his soul is elevated to new heights in Heaven. With two Adars, the elevation is doubled. See my post My Son is Having Two Yahrzeits This Year where I discuss the meaning of both Adars and how it relates to a yahrzeit. 

Jacob’s life in this world was brief, and this brief post in no way describes all of Jacob’s beautiful qualities. I could write volumes.

I suppose I should be doubly happy because Jacob is. But I’m only human. All I can think about is my loss and what might have been were he here today. I miss his company and our talks together. I lost my child. I lost my friend.