A person in my grief support group once asked what her child does in the next world. Is he just laying there, waiting for Moshiach and the Resurrection? On the contrary, our Sages teach that our departed child continues to look out for us from a place of eternal love and protection. Losing a child is a pain like no other. However, knowing that our child is an advocate in heaven helps coping with grief. It provides a feeling of connection and support from beyond.
Visiting the Graves of the Righteous, A Time Honored Custom
Throughout Jewish history, people visited graves of Tzadikkim, righteous people, and asked for help. It’s important to note that when we pray at a gravesite, we’re not praying to the deceased. We’re praying to G-d that, in the merit of this righteous person buried here, He answer our prayers.
An example of praying at the graves of the righteous is alluded to in the Torah when Moshe sends twelve men to spy out the land of Canaan. We find a commentary in Tractate Sotah 34b:
‘…And they went up into the south, and he came to Hebron (Numbers 13:22). Why is the phrase “and he came” written in the singular?… Rava says – This teaches that Caleb separated himself from the counsel of the other spies and went and prostrated himself on the graves of the forefathers in Hebron. He said to them: My forefathers, pray for mercy for me so that I will be saved from the counsel of the spies.’
Like Caleb, some also have the custom of talking to the departed person at the grave. Again, we are not praying to the person, but asking him or her to advocate for us in Heaven. An example of this is like preparing to ask the boss for a raise. I see the boss’s close friend, and say ‘Hey, I’m going to ask the boss for a raise tomorrow. Please put in a good word for me.’
My Child is Beyond Time and Space
The article Is It OK to Ask a Deceased Tzaddik to Pray for Me? has many insights and clarifications about asking the dead to advocate for the living:
‘The Zohar…tells us that the tzaddik (righteous person) is here with us after his passing even more than before. During his lifetime, the tzaddik was limited within a physical body. Now he has transcended those limitations. But he never transcends his sympathy for the plight of another soul …’
Talking to My Departed Child
When I go to the cemetery and visit my son I do four things: place a rock on his headstone, pray to G-d, say verses of Tehillim, and talk to him. I talk to him as if we’re sitting together, and update him on what’s going on in the family. I share our joys and sorrows with him. And I ask him to pray for our family. I say ‘Jacob, you’re our advocate in Heaven. G-d listens to you because your soul is so pure.’
My child is beyond time and space, and he hasn’t forgotten about us. And I think he knows everything that’s going on in our family before I even tell him. Knowing this helps me cope with grief. Yes, I’d be much happier if he were physically here, but I know he’s always with us. He’s still my son, my advocate in Heaven.
Coping With the Death of a Child 
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