The Jewish calendar mirrors life with ups and downs. A particularly challenging period for the Jewish community is the final two weeks of the month of Tammuz and the initial week of Av. This time period is known as ‘the three weeks’ during which our people have experienced numerous tragedies, including the devastating loss of the Temple on the ninth of Av. In memory of this tragic occurrence, the Rabbis established mourning traditions over these three weeks, similar to the customs followed when someone loses a loved one.
Maybe it’s my soul talking to me, but I always feel sad around this time of year. And aside from being sad over the loss of the Temple, I continue to mourn for my son. I lost Jacob four and a half years ago, and it seems like yesterday.
There’s got to be a better way to deal with grief, not only during this time period, but for grief in general. And there is, by including joy amidst the grief with positive thinking.
Grieving During the Three Weeks While Grieving for My Child
How do I deal with this sadness on top of sadness? I’ve tried various approaches, none of which work.
- I try not to be sad. Easier said than done.
- I try not to think about the three weeks or the Temple. Doesn’t work when everyone else around me is talking about it. And besides, I feel guilty if I don’t think about it.
- Maybe not observing some of the mourning rituals would help, like listening to music or buying new clothes. Doesn’t work either. I still feel sad.
I’ve discovered that the only thing that has a chance of getting me out of the doldrums is positive thinking.
Grief and Positive Thinking During the Three Weeks
Positive thinking is hard for me. I usually look at the glass as half empty. However, I learned a lot from our Jewish Sages who teach that positive thinking is very important, especially during the period of the three weeks mourning for our Temple. And I apply those takeaways to better cope with the loss of my son. Here are some of the things I learned.
From Grief to Joy
Today the ninth of Av is a day of grief, but in time to come, we will go from grief to joy. G-d tells the prophet Zecharia to relate the following to the Jewish people:
‘The fast of the fourth month, the fast of the fifth month, the fast of the seventh month, and the fast of the tenth month shall become occasions for joy and gladness…’ (Zecharia 8:19)
When counting the first month from Nisan, the fast of the fifth month is the fast of the ninth of Av. Hence, the saddest day on the Jewish calendar will be a day of happiness.
Joy in Grief: When the Ninth of Av Falls on Shabbat
When the ninth of Av falls on Shabbat, the fast is deferred to the next day because we do not fast on Shabbat. Although we aren’t fasting, one might think that we should include a bit of sadness like eating and drinking less than we normally do on Shabbat. However, the Lubavitcher Rebbe taught just the opposite. On the contrary, the Rebbe felt that we should make our Shabbat extra beautiful and joyous:
‘On this day we eat, drink and rejoice as is customary—and even more so…’
The Rebbe also stressed that during this time we should make an even greater effort to help others and perform mitzvot with joy.
Positive Things I Can Do During the Three Weeks
What positive things can I do during these three weeks ands beyond? I can give more tzedakah (charity), help others more, put more energy into Torah learning, to name a few. The key to all this is the word ‘more’. The Rebbe always said that one should never be satisfied with one’s spiritual standing but should strive to increase in acts of kindness and performing mitzvot.
Grief and Positive Thinking About My Child’s Death
If there’s something positive in the sadness of the three weeks, there’s also something positive to be found in my child’s death. The book Pirkie Avot, Ethics of the Fathers, is a compilation of advice, ethics, and wisdom from great Rabbis of the Talmudic era. One short statement from Rabbi Elazar Ha-kappar says:
‘…the ones who were born are to die, and the ones who have died are to be brought to life…’ (Avot 4:22)
This of course refers to the Resurrection of the Dead, a firmly held belief in Judaism. Despite my sadness over my son not being with me now, this concept gives me hope and some measure of happiness.
Positive Thinking Helps Cope with Grief
In Turning Points in the Journey of Grief, I spoke about doing positive things to remember a child. These things are important for our child and for us as grieving parents. Here are some suggestions:
- Think about the positive qualities of your child
- Remember the positive things your child did in this world (it doesn’t matter if your child was small; just his/her being here gave people joy)
- Think about the positive things family and friends said about your child
Now, let positive thinking turn into positive action:
- Give tzedakah in his/her memory
- Donate your child’s clothing and books to needy people or charitable organizations
- If finances permit, establish a scholarship fund in memory of your child
- Each time you do an act of kindness, dedicate that act of kindness to your child’s memory
- Try to help other parents struggling with grief, even if its only to listen
Positive thinking helps cope with grief because it frees a grieving parent from the inactivity and stagnation that accompanies grief. I miss my son so much, and at times, positive thinking is very hard. But it’s like exercise. I know I have to do it because it’s good for me, and good for my son.
Coping With the Death of a Child 
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