Healthy Distraction: A Tool for Coping with Grief

When I started participating in a grief support group, several people talked about distraction as a tool for coping with grief. Some travelled on long vacations, others took short trips here and there just to get away. A few immersed themselves in their day to day work. At that time, my son’s passing was so fresh that I couldn’t even think of going on vacation. And being retired, I had no work to go to. Anyway I thought, aren’t these people just running away from grief?

After four and a half years, I realized that using distraction in a healthy way while grieving has a positive purpose.

Coping with Grief: Unhealthy vs Healthy Distraction

Using distraction to avoid sadness and suppress emotions is not a good thing. This type of distraction is unhealthy. The post Holding in the Grief of Child Loss, discusses why people try holding in grief, and how physically and emotionally unhealthy it is. The grief catches up sooner or later. As a grieving parent, I can run, but can’t hide from grief.

Healthy distraction involves briefly diverting attention away from the pain and sadness of grief towards something positive. It doesn’t mean avoiding or suppressing emotions, but taking a break from the intense feelings of grief. I know that the distraction is only temporary. However, healthy distraction allows me to take a mental and emotional break, and gives me a chance to recharge and find moments of relief amidst grief.

That’s fine in theory, but…

Grief Keeps Chasing Me

After a break from grief, the grief just comes right back. I’m in emotional turmoil once again. I distract myself by getting away or doing something else, and then the grief catches up with me and knocks me down. I run, grief knocks me down, I get up again, over and over. And what’s even more frustrating is that I know I’ll never outrun grief.

So what’s the point of distraction if grief catches up and knocks me down?

The Point of Distraction and Running From Grief

To be sure, grief catches up with me and knocks me down. But the whole point is getting up again. When I pick myself up, I have a purpose. I can honor my child’s memory and be a positive influence on others and myself.

In our prayerbook we find ‘He renews each day continuously, the work of Creation.’ (Siddur Tehillat Hashem) Each day, hour, minute, and moment is brand new. Just like with a new place to visit, or a new garment to wear, newness brings novelty and excitement. After being knocked down, distraction brings with it a new opportunity for a fresh start.

Benefits of Healthy Distraction

Although temporary, healthy distraction provides relief from the overwhelming emotions of grief. Engaging in activities that capture my attention gives me a break from the emotional pain. By focusing on something other than my pain, I shift my mindset and perspective. By occasionally engaging in distraction, I have a new outlook on life helping me see that there are still things worth living for, even in the midst of loss.

Engaging in activities that I enjoy or that brings me comfort also creates a sense of normalcy in life. It reminds me that there are still moments of happiness and fulfillment to be found, even while grieving.