People who have not experienced the loss of a child are uncomfortable talking about loss with those who experienced the ultimate tragedy. This includes friends as well as family members. In the words of one of my grief support group participants ‘They don’t want to hear about it. They just can’t handle it.’ It’s a shame, because parents who suffer from child loss need people to talk to. For those who haven’t experienced child loss, you can help those who have. This post discusses four things you can do to help someone cope with child loss. But first, let’s see why people ‘Just can’t handle it’.
Why Do People Avoid Talking About Another’s Loss?
Child Loss Statistics
People avoid talking about another’s loss for a variety of reasons. First, statistics show that before the development of vaccines and other medical advancements, child loss was a common occurrence.
The website Our World in Data, in the article How Child Mortality Has Declined in the Last Two Centuries, reports that before 1950:
‘Parents probably lost 2 or 3 of their children in the first few years of life. Such loss was not a rare occurrence but the norm for most people across the world.’
After 1950:
‘Major improvements in living standards, medical knowledge and care, nutrition, water and sanitation, and treatment of disease had transformed outcomes for mothers and children….Child mortality was still fairly common, but no longer the norm.’
The website Evermore, in their post Bereavement Facts and Figures, reports statistics based on the age of the parent:
‘By age 60, nine percent of Americans have experienced the death of a child. By 70, 15 percent of American parents have lost a child. By age 80, 18 percent of American parents have experienced the death of a child.’
I’m assuming that Evermore’s statistics include not only child deaths from illness, but also from violence, drug abuse, and suicide.
Unfortunately, in the olden days, death was common. People often heard about the death of a child. Nowadays, child loss thankfully is not common. The loss of a child surprises and shocks most people. It’s like waking up one morning and seeing a green sky instead of a blue one. What can I say? I have no words.
People Fear They Might Say the Wrong Thing
Another reason people hesitate talking about another’s loss is they fear they might say the wrong thing. In my post What To Say, (and What Not To Say), To Someone Who Has Lost a Child, I offered some ideas for positive things to say to a bereaved parent.
Four Ways To Help Someone Cope With Child Loss
One – Please Talk To Me About My Child
I like to talk about my son Jacob. It takes the edge off my grief. Ask me what I remember about him. If you knew Jacob, please relate any anecdotes you have about him. Don’t try to change the subject when I talk about him. Be a patient listener. Helping me talk about my child shows that he’s not forgotten. I want people to remember he was here in this world, even if only for a while.
Two – Remember That My Child’s Passing Is Harder For Me As Time Goes By
The passing of time changes nothing. In fact, it makes things worse. In my post 4 Feelings and Thoughts About Child Loss that Afflict Bereaved Parents, I discussed why grief gets stronger as time goes by. How old would my son be now? What would he be doing? Would he be married with kids? Etc. My son’s brothers and friends move on with their lives, but Jacob can’t. He’s frozen in time.
Three – Know That My Child’s Birthdays and Yahrzeits Are Extremely Hard For Me
I think about Jacob every day, but I think even more about him on his birthday and yahrzeit, the day he died. Especially on these days, I need people for comfort and companionship. Please remember the day he was born. Mention it to me. Talk about celebrating his past birthdays. Remember his yahrzeit too, and tell me you remembered. Light a memorial candle for him and let me know you did it. All these gestures comfort me.
Four – Remember I’m Struggling With Thoughts of My Child Everyday
Attaining happiness is challenging. I think about Jacob each day. For a bereaved parent, life is like looking at a picture with a hole in it. Something, someone is missing. Sometimes, I need distraction. Please reach out to me once in a while and try to be a friend. Would I like to go out for coffee? How about let’s take a walk together? And don’t say to me ‘Let me know if you want to go out sometime’, because I won’t. In my grief, I turn inward. You have to reach out, and most likely, I’ll accept your offer of companionship.
Every Grief Situation is Unique
Every grief situation is unique, and every bereaved parent is different. What works for me may not work for someone else. What’s important is not abandoning the bereaved parent. Reach out with genuine warmth and hopefully the response will be positive.
Coping With the Death of a Child 
Thank you, that was very very well described.