Turning Points in the Journey of Grief

It’s been four years since my adult son Jacob passed away, and my grief is very different from what it was back then. Some things are the same. But I feel the grief of child loss is like a journey. A journey I never wanted to go on, but a journey with turning points and road markers.

The Grief of Losing a Child Never Goes Away

The expression ‘time will heal’ does not apply to losing a child. There is some healing, but it’s never 100%. That’s the part that never changes. My child is a part of me. Rabbi Asher Resnick, a bereaved parent, described child loss like losing a limb. The limb isn’t growing back, and every day, I look at the empty space where it used to be. 

Turning Points in the Journey of Grief

Grief On My Terms

During the first three years after the death of my child, grief was spontaneous and intense. I’d see a young man who looked like Jacob and tears instantly welled up in my eyes. Passing by his picture on the table initiated crying. Out of the blue, I’d start thinking about him and shed heartfelt tears. Before going to sleep, I’d think about him over and over, destroying a good night’s sleep.

Now, rather giving in to my most intense emotions anytime and anyplace, I observe grief on my terms. I say to myself, ‘Now’s not the time. I’ll do it later, when I have some private time to myself.’ I resume whatever I was doing and then later sit quietly, talk to G-d, and cry my heart out. Although the grief is still there, it’s less intense and more manageable. 

Memories of My Departed Child

There are two types of memories I have about Jacob. Memories of him when he was alive, and memories of him when he died. The memories of his death are still there in my mind, but they are less intense, giving way to the happy memories of him as a baby, a toddler, a child, and a young man. 

I can talk about Jacob to family and friends without bursting into tears. Jacob and I liked talking to each other, and I like talking about him even more. We shared many happy times together and those times shouldn’t be forgotten. 

Coming to Terms with Hopes of the Past

I’d hope and pray Jacob would get married someday and raise a family, but G-d had other plans. Losing a child is a double whammy. I’m saddened over losing Jacob, and I’m saddened over the future he didn’t have. This made me extremely angry. I wasn’t angry at G-d for taking my son back to Him, but just angry at the whole thing. I’d think to myself, ‘Why can’t my life be normal like other people? Why do I have to be in the small percentage of people who’ve lost a child.’ It’s like winning a negative lottery. 

After four years, my anger is less than it was. Slowly, I’m coming to terms with the fact that everything I have doesn’t belong to me, but belongs to G-d. And that includes my child. 

In my post Stories of Child Loss in Jewish Writing, I described the story of Rabbi Meir and his wife Bruriah whose two sons suddenly died. Bruriah broke the tragic news to her husband by asking him a question:

‘…A man came and deposited something with me. He is now coming to take it back. Should we return it to him or not? He (her husband) said one who has a deposit with him must return it to its owner.’ 

Practicing Forgivness

My article The Grief of Child Loss and the Parental Guilt Trip discusses feelings of guilt bereaved parents have. Thoughts of I could have done more, I could have said it better, I should have done this or that, I wasn’t a good parent, etc, all plague moms and dads who lost a child. 

It’s over, it’s done. Why torture myself as if feelings of guilt will bring Jacob back. Now, I’m trying to practice forgiveness, forgiving myself for mistakes I made in raising my son. It’s more positive when I say to myself ‘What can I do for my child now?’ Giving charity, learning Torah, doing acts of kindness to others, are some of the positive things I try to do. And I remember it’s all for Jacob. It’s the best way to honor his memory. 

The Journey of Grief is Not the Same for Everyone

While it took me four years to reach this point in my journey of grief, it may take other parents less time or even longer. Everyone is different as to how they cope with losing a child. There’s no fixed timeline. But I think bereaved parents will arrive at these turning points eventually. All that’s certain is that this journey will come to an end and we’ll see our children again. As the prophet said:

‘…He will eliminate death forever, and G-d will wipe the tears from every face…’ (Isaiah, 25:8)