Taking a Break from Grief After Losing a Child

Actually, there’s no such thing as taking a break from grief after losing a child. It’s been six years after the passing of my son, and the most I can do is minimize the triggers that cause me to spiral into a sadness that lasts hours. However, sometimes I don’t have to do anything to rid myself of a grief trigger. Things have a way of working out on their own. I’ll explain.

A Major Grief Trigger: Going to the Cemetery Trimming Weeds

One of my child loss grief triggers is going to the cemetery. When I’m there I ask myself ‘What in the world am I doing here? Why am I visiting a cemetery’. Going to the grave on my child’s yahrzeit is a must, but I was going more often, about once a month.

The reason I went so often was that, in addition to saying tehillim and talking to my son, I was also clearing his grave of overgrown grass and weeds. Yes, for a fee the cemetery would do it for me, but it gave me purpose.

After losing a child, my mission was to weed-whack as many weeds as I could. Somehow, making the grass look neat was a way of bringing order to a chaotic world – a world where children die before their parents.

How My Foot Surgery Gave Me a Break from Grief

After years of putting off foot surgery, I couldn’t procrastinate any longer. I finally got it done. The recovery period is long, and guess what? I can barely walk, and can’t drive. That means no going to the cemetery with my weed-whacker and energetically whacking weeds. It will be several months before I get back to the cemetery. By that time, who knows how tall the grass will be.

So I bit the bullet, and called the cemetery. Gave them my son’s name and date of his passing. (After losing a child, a parent never forgets that date.) Told them I wanted care for the grave. All they asked for was money, so I mailed a check.

Funny thing is, after that phone conversation with the cemetery, I felt a sort of release. Like I could breathe deeper. No going every month to a grief trigger that upsets me for hours. It felt as if I was taking a break from grief.

Remembering My Child Always

I’m not abandoning my son. I think about him everyday. Thinking about what more I can do to honor his memory. I ask G-d to answer all his precious prayers, because I know he prays for us all the time.

Will he be angry with me for not visiting so often? Frankly, what child wants their mom to constantly visit. He wants me to live my life so he can live his. Neither of us will ever forget about each other.

Do I still have a purpose?

Yes, I’ll go to the cemetery, but less often. I’ll still bring my weed-whacker with me, just in case the gardeners don’t do a perfect job.