Yahrzeit, a Yiddish term meaning ‘year time’, is a significant observance in Judaism that commemorates the anniversary of a loved one’s passing. This occasion provides an opportunity to reflect and remember the life of those we have lost. Yahrzeit milestones are key anniversaries that mark a special window of time from the first date of passing.
These milestones include the first Yahrzeit, which is particularly poignant as it signifies a full year of remembrance, as well as subsequent anniversaries such as the 5th, 10th, and 20th Yahrzeit, and so on. Each of these dates holds unique significance and offers an opportunity for reflection and growth.
My child’s Yahrzeit this year has special significance this year because it’s the fifth since he passed away. Were he here today, he’d be 29.
Yahrzeits, Wedding Anniversaries, and the Journey of Grief
Surprisingly, a Yahrzeit and a wedding anniversary share similar characteristics:
- Reflecting on the journey
- Acknowledging achievements
- Reaffirming commitment
Reflecting on the Journey of Grief: it’s like an airplane ride
Just as a married couple reflect on their past years together, I give thought to how the journey of grief has affected me over the years. It’s like an airplane ride.
At takeoff the plane soars upward, and there’s that force pushing me back against my seat. There’s the sensation that everything is happening so fast. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, and I breathe a bit easier when the plane finally levels off at cruising altitude.
But on the journey of grief there’s always turbulence, and the turbulence takes many forms.
For example, during the first three years after my son’s passing, I noticed so many young men who looked like my Jacob. It seemed that everywhere I turned, there he was. I thought, why is G-d doing this to me? Why is He showing me healthy, happy young men who resemble my son? Is G-d trying to make me feel worse?
After five years, I finally answered that question. No, G-d wasn’t trying to increase my grief. The Creator was telling me that Jacob has a life in Heaven, and he’s happy. Every trigger, every reminder, was His way of letting me know that neither He or my son has forgotten me. And that’s a comforting thought.
On this 5th Yahrzeit, the plane has taken off and I’m at cruising altitude. But sometimes I encounter other kinds of turbulence, and it’s still a bumpy ride.
Acknowledging Achievements in Handling Grief: even a little is a lot
Looking back, then and now, I’ve learned to overcome my grief challenges a bit better. Although it’s been five years, it seems like yesterday when Jacob passed away. I still have occasional flashbacks of images on that day. But now, I push the unpleasant thoughts out of my mind. I say to myself, ‘Now is not the time’. I’ll mourn when and where I want to. For me, that’s a big achievement. Now and then, it’s a good idea to acknowledge one’s grief achievements.
Even a little bit of positive change is tremendously important for one’s personal wellbeing. Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, also known as the Alter Rebbe, likens our small steps of improvement to the movement of the sun and the shadows: ‘…The movement of a shadow on earth of a few inches equals the sun’s movement in the heaven of thousands of miles…’ (Iggeret HaKodesh chapter 12)
Reaffirming Commitment to My Child: expressing love, gratitude, and dedication
Reaffirming commitment to my departed child means expressing love, gratitude, and dedication.
I show my love when I think about him and mention his name when I perform a mitzvah (or any kind act).
My gratitude shows when I reflect on, and openly express, how grateful I am that he was with me for 24 years. In fact, our Sages say that before coming down into this world, the soul is allowed to choose its parents. Jacob, thank you for choosing Daddy and me.
Dedication means that I continue to look for ways to honor his memory.
The Journey of Grief Never Ends
Here I am, still on the airplane at cruising altitude. But the plane doesn’t land because the journey of grief never ends. I just have to stay in my seat, seatbelt buckled tightly, and pray the turbulence doesn’t get too bad. The fact that I’ve spiritually grown these past five years gives me encouragement that I’ll continue to reflect on the past in a positive way, giving me strength for the future.
Coping With the Death of a Child 
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