How Can You Mend a Broken Heart After Losing a Child?

I was thinking about my child more than usual recently. Not having enough distractions keeping me busy, I thought of Jacob. Five years after his passing, the tears still flowed. That nagging question keeps coming back: How can you mend a broken heart after losing a child? Will I ever live a normal life?

I thought of that song from The Bee Gees:

‘…how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?…

…Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.’

This post discusses my musings on this question, as well as suggestions on how to mend our broken hearts and truly live again.

Live and Let Live: I Live and So Does My Child

The old adage ‘live and let live’ usually means I do my thing and I let someone else do theirs without being judgmental. For my child and me, this phrase has a whole new meaning.

I know Jacob is happy. He’s happier now than he’s ever been. Due to the Creator’s infinite wisdom, Jacob is right where he’s supposed to be. Yet in my grief, I want to pull him back to this world to a place where he no longer belongs.

It’s like a beautiful butterfly emerging from its cocoon into a brand new world. It spreads its wings and flys away.

Just like the butterfly pulling free from the cocoon, I have to let Jacob go on his way. I live my life and let him live his. It’s called live and let live. It’s also called letting go.

Letting Go Isn’t Forgetting: the Parent Child Bond is Always There

I once thought that feeling miserable about Jacob’s passing was a way of not forgetting. It was the darker side getting the better of me. But no matter what I do, or how I feel at any particular moment, I’ll never forget my son. The parent-child bond is always there.

How Can You Mend a Broken Heart After Losing a Child: Thoughts for Living

The following thoughts are taken from the book Letters for Life – Guidance for Emotional Wellness from the Lubavitcher Rebbe, by Levi Shmotkin. This book contains excerpts from Rebbe’s letters to individuals who sought advice coping with ‘heartbreak, loss, fear, and confusion’.

The book doesn’t deal with mental illness, and indeed, sometimes professional help is necessary when things become too overwhelming. However, the advice presented in this book is a good starting point for those who don’t know where to begin.

Seeing Others As Well As Ourselves

The Rebbe firmly believed that a giving person is a happier person. When we give, we have purpose and meaning. From self-focused, we become other-focused. Rabbi Akiva, quoting Leviticus chapter 19, ‘…you shall love your neighbor as yourself…’ said this statement is ‘a great principal of the Torah’.

The Alter Rebbe, Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi commented that we must focus on others to truly fulfill this commandment.

Recognizing Our Unique Role

This is an offshoot of seeing others as well as oneself. The Rebbe saw each person as a shining diamond with a unique role in the Creator’s world. Through the experience of child loss, we are unique resources for others who experience pain and grief. As bereaved parents, it’s hard to find people who really understand how we feel. Having another person to talk to one-on-one is truly a blessing.

Our unique role in this world doesn’t end there. Perhaps we are blessed with a particular skill or character trait that we can use for the benefit of others. Volunteering, teaching, mentoring, or just being there for someone else, redefines us as someone who plays a role no one else can.

Knowing We’re Not Alone

The Rebbe stressed that we are never alone. G-d knows not only what we do, but how we feel because we’re a part of Him. When we suffer, He suffers too. I try to take advantage of this unique relationship with G-d by talking to Him and pouring out my heart.

We aren’t physically alone either. Unfortunately, many other parents struggle with child loss. That’s why support groups are such a valuable resource in which to talk, cry, and be a support for each other.

The fact that we’re not alone also allows us to grieve in a healthy way. We become comfortable with our feelings, no matter how painful. And no matter how long ago our child passed, we know that these feelings are a normal part of the child loss experience.

Building Healthy Habits Helps Physically and Spiritually

The Rebbe advocated that a healthy body promotes spiritual wellness. Eating properly, getting enough sleep and exercise, are all part of maintaining spiritual health. This allows body and soul to work together, and gives us energy and stamina to cope with challenges.

So, How Can You Mend a Broken Heart After Losing a Child?

It’s hard. I truly believe that a broken heart after losing a child is never fully mended. But with the advice of the Rebbe, the rips in our hearts can be patched, bandaged, and stitched together.

Sometimes my stitches come loose and everything starts to unravel. What happens then? I guess I just have to pick up the needle and start over.